Today is resurrection day. I’m going to be deeply vulnerable.
Today I am made whole in a way that I am able to see the fullness of my life. I am no longer ashamed to share that I experienced a very broken marriage. It’s so shameful to share as a now marriage therapist where I sit with couples who are divulging the same fears, frustrations and harms that I too have experienced.
Our brokenness can be so devastating to muddy through. One July afternoon, my first boyfriend and then my husband shared with me that he wanted a divorce. The words, "I want a divorce" became the nails that crucified me to my shame. I believed that I didn’t have the genetic make-up to keep a man happy. Did I have the resilience to pick up the pieces? This pain sank deep into my bones as I walked like a ghost through life. I held onto my 7-month old son Enzo.
My son became the key and my North Star. I mustered up the will that I could be made whole again. I didn’t become a believer until later. For some time, my son, my job as a teacher, my friends and my family provided me sustenance. Four years later, in the midst of an emotionally abusive relationship, I was redeemed in Christ. He gave me life again; He loved me for all of me.
I was reminded of the great life I now have just last night as I was reading passages from a therapy book to my husband in bed. It was such an innocuous scene. He had come home from a long day of work and we began talking about our life, relationship, our family as we often do in bed. In the quiet stillness of the night, he asked me a question, as he often does, that left me thinking about my deservedness. He asked me if he does enough to honor me. In that moment, I was not caught off guard by thoughts that usually represent an absence of love, but instead I realized I have an abundance of love, a love that I do not have to earn but is so freely given to me.
Today I celebrate Easter, the day of his resurrection and the love He so freely bestows upon us. I am thankful for the ability to love again.